I ask to be left alone.

 

All of my minions file out of my tent.  Whisper Leaf turns and looks back at me.  I nod and wave my hand all “No no, I’m okay.”

 

I sit on my bed.  I heft the rock in my hand.  I say “Something to make you happy when you are sad and sad when you are happy.”  It is now my greatest treasure.

 

I have spent an uncountable time lost in my own sickness.  How long ago was it that I came to the Magician’s.  It could have been days like I said.    I know that when I was manic I was spouting out numbers but those days could have been months… those minutes hours.  Thinking I could tell time was almost as high a fallacy as believing I was a god.

 

I sigh.  I give my head a little “justice must be done” shake.  I have a long road ahead of me.   I am not even sure where it begins but Larry was my friend.  He was my best friend.  He was my only friend.

As sad as I am to leave this place my only option is to go home.

I motion Whisper Leaf into my chambers.  “Whisper” I say uneasily then pause for a while.  “Whisper” I start again.  “I have something to tell you.”

My gut is wrenching.  “Whisper.  I have done you a grave injustice.  You have given your loyalty and your body to me under false pretenses.   I have lied and taken advantage and if you want to kill me right here… I know it wouldn’t be hard for you because you are a kick ass ninja… I would understand…. Whisper…”

 

I pause again for a while.  I hold my head in my hand.  I squeeze hers.  I sigh a lot.

 

“Whisper, I am not really a god.”

Not a breath passes before she says “I know.”

“You know?” I say, incredulous.

“Yes.  The tricks you have done… rabbit conjuration, “pick a card”, “The magically burning bush”… these are good tricks but to anyone who is not a simple minded bunny it is obvious they are just tricks.  The workings of a God are so much more subtle and grand.”

 

“Oh” I say.   My face is just blank

“Blye,” she says “I followed you anyway.  I followed because I could see that your heart was clean and pure.  Even while you were torturing bunnies I could see it.  All through the using me for kinky shit I could see it.  I could always see that you are a good man.  Now that you have licked the magical rock of licking chillness it shows on your face.  I followed you because you were you.   Now that you are the youest you.. I will follow you even further.”

 

“I have to go” I say.

“I know and I shall come with you.”

“Where I pass might be dangerous for a sexy elf chick.. even one with ninja skills.”

“I shall go there and I shall thrive because I shall be by your side.”

 

I stare into her eyes.  She means every word she says.  A tear falls from her eye to punctuate the sentence of her sincerity.

 

I reach my hand up to stroke her hair.  I glance at her lips.  She glances at mine.

 

I pull her to me exactly as she pulls me.  Our lips meet.  My heart leaps to my throat.

 

What procedes isn’t something that Whisper Leaf and I haven’t done a million times in a million positions… but it is also the first time.  We’ve fucked a hella bunch but we have never made love.

 

(I’ll be back.  I need time to seriously process the beauty that was that scene.  I’m not crying or anything.  Just a little moved.)

 

 

I am standing on my stage with my hands on my hips.  I am wearing more sensible apparel from JCP now.  Nothing flashy or shiny or overly black, Just some jeans and a white button-down.  My shoes are simply sensible.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the unified kingdom of Hopsalot!”  I say with surety “I am leaving you for now.  I may return and I may not.  If I do return I shall expect you to have done these few things:

“Hopsalotians, violence is never the answer.  In any disagreement the party that resorts to violence first shall always be deemed the loser.”

“Hopsalotians, no bunny should ever starve and no bunny should ever go idle.  Everyone works, find things for those who are too old or too crippled for normal work to do.  Everyone eats.  Maybe they don’t get to eat the tastiest stuff, but at least keep them alive.”

“Wrap your junk.  There is definitely such a thing as too many babies.  Either keep it in your pants or cover it.  Don’t be all rabbitty about shit.”

“Finally,  Worship no other god but me.  If another god comes before you fight to the death to vanquish them.  Do not subjugate to anyone.  Be your own people.  If you don’t get to vote do not sign up.  If you do bow to another god I shall torture those who have died and gone to the bunny heaven I made for you.  I shall torture the shit out of them.”

“I guess one more thing.  Remember to chill.  Don’t be as the me who led you.  Emulate the Blye who leaves you today.”

 

With that I turn behind me and cast spell number four.

 

My finger glows sharply blue.  I reach up then down and draw myself a door.  The air where my finger passes crackles.

 

I gently say “Whisper of the Fallen Leaf”.  This is an occasion for full names.  She takes my hand and steps forward.  She is decked out in a cable knit and some khakis.  She strides towards the crackling rectangle in the middle of the stage.

 

I press on the door and it slowly opens.

 

Spell four:  Dimensional Doorway!!!!!!

 

I don’t know where I dialed on earth, just that that world sang a song like earth’s.  This particular door sand like America . It could be the Washington monument or death valley.

 

On the other side is a filthy bathroom.

 

I step through.  She follows.  We close it behind us.

 

(and the bunny people cheer and immediately go back to killing each other)

 

 

 

(This Marks the End of Book One)

Jk

 

There are few things that can stir a man from Elysium.

 

Few things indeed.

 

(I am pacing around the room dramatically for a bit. I’ll be back.)

 

The peace and harmony found amongst his little bunnies, the surprisingly funny pine cone people, and the cuddlephilic snakes could only be matched in Blye’s affection by the utter sexual satisfaction from Whisper Leaf.  She did freaky shit and she did it well.

 

Blye was go filled with godhood that he began to speak of himself in the third person.  It was almost as he was under self worship as “All Praise to Me” became “All Praise to Blye” on his tongue.  He held amazing festivals, he performed astounding miracles, he carried forth wicked judgements and all the time his every tiniest whim was taken care of.  Valhalla was shit compared to this.

 

There are few things more pressing than the glories of goodhood.

Few things indeed.

Revenge is one of them.

 

Three days passed since the hanky panky union of Blye and Whisperleaf.  Three days of Elysian bliss.  Blye did god shit for the bunnies and the pinecones… sometimes even for the Snakes.  Whisper Leaf did sex shit for Blye.

 

Blye whipped out crazy punishments for the slightest transgressions of the bunnies.  There was some bunnies who had suffered so many times under Blye’s judgement that they were almost hairless.  They were shunned by the tribe.  This made Blye laugh.  They sat there with pain and hunger in their eyes.  That made Blye laugh more.

 

Sex shit.  A bunch of sex shit.

 

On the third day Blye fell from his Mania.  He went from trumpeting firegod into someone a crippled and bedridden maggot.

 

In paradise, followed by hundreds, Blye curled up on his fancy JCPenney bed and rotted.

 

Whispper Leaf hung by his bed and reached for his junk repeatedly but he did not move.

 

All of the bunnies of the land worried about their god.  The leaders of the previously warring tribes came to him on their bunny knees and asked him “How can we make our god happy so that he will perform Stage Magic for us once again?”

 

And I thought-  “I” because I don’t want to be Blye anymore.  I don’t want to be anybody.  I just want to lay here and be left alone.  Life is shit and everyone in it is shit.

I laid there begging myself for eternal peace.

 

I thought of a solution.  I did not lift from my head from the pillow as I said this so it was ominously muffled.  “Have all of the rabbits, not the spinning pinecone people because they are weird, but all of the rabbits go forth into the wilderness and eat all of the berries…. Even the poisonous ones.. and see if any of them make you feel chill.”

I then crimped in agony from the pain in my soul.

 

“If that is your wish my god.  Then we shall do it.”

 

By the evening of the third day many of the bunnies were dead.  They keeled straight over from eating berries and leaves that they knew were poisonous.  It was worth it to them.  Their deaths in my name guaranteed them a permanent place in my heaven.  It was too bad for them that I did not actually have a heaven.  There are none on the JCPenney catalog.

 

A few bunnies were lost permanently to insanity.  Mushrooms and berries.  There was one bunny who couldn’t stop himself from eating millions of uncurled leaves that were of a deep green on the upper and a grey-green on the lower surface.  One little bunny dude with a little bunny moustache couldn’t stop masturbating.

 

One bunny found chillness in a leaf with many points.  He came to me and held out a bundle of leaves.  “Smoke this and you will feel better, my god.”

 

I trusted him.  He was always a pretty chill bunny.  He wouldn’t lie to me.

 

I smoked it and my emotions did relax. I was mildly anxious but more numb.   I was no longer obsessing about my own demise.  The problem was that it also made me cloudy headed.  A god needs to be on his toes.

The bunnies continued the search.  I smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.

Yup.  Wine.  The bunnies know nothing of vineyard but I have a few tricks up my sleeve.

One of the Stage Magic tricks was to turn water into wine… so my clup always overfloweth.

 

A judgement was asked.  A younger bunny was brought to me as a defendant.  “Our hunting parties are overflowed.” Said the plaintiff “The treasures of JCPenney have made it so we can get by with half of the previous hunters.  We have no further use for this boy.  He had the least seniority.  Shall we kill him or just let him starve?”

 

I pondered this for a while.  Then I forgot what I am thinking about. My gaze scanned the room until I saw the shackled young bunny.  “Oh” I say quietly.

 

“Followers.” I said “Dudes.  You have to find something for him to do.  Even if it is as stupid as basketweaving, which is pretty stupid since we have JCPenney soup bowls now still.  Just keep him busy and give him enough food to survive.  When we find something useful to do we’ll give him more food.  We obviously can’t just feed him without giving him something to do because then he’ll be bored and have no self esteem.  No, give him something stupid to do…. Like…. I don’t know…. Just do it”

Then I took a hit off of a leaf I called Comfortably Numb.

 

Day Five of Blye and Whisper Leaf’s sexy sexy goodtimes, and day two of my depression, a small white rabbit with JCPenney glasses jury rigged around his giant rabbit ears came into my stupid tent.

 

“I know you asked for plants, your godlydoodle ness, but I found licking this rock makes you feel mellow.  There is no stupor that comes with it.” He squeaked in a terrified tone.

 

The next time I sobered up from the leaf I gave the rocks a few licks.  It sounded silly but I was desperate.

 

Lick

Lick

 

(I had an old guy just argue with me.  When he called and made a reservation last night he ranted against those tofu eating liberals who ruin this country.  We were talking about drunk driving.  It is true.  The liberals did ruin being able to drive drunk.  He wanted a first floor room.  Tonight his problem is “Rules Always RULES” when I tell him about the “People who make reservations first get preference on first floor rooms” rule.  He was so annoyed that there was as rule that he almost stamped his giant feet.  Keep in mind…. He already got first floor.  It was just that someone had made a RULE.  I think I finally met a Libertarian.)

 

 

And I started feeling alright.  I smiled a little.  I sighed.

 

Okay.  I no longer wanted to die.  I longer thought I was a god.  I’m just me again.

I get my priorities straight.  I can’t sit here amongst bunnies forever.

I’m no god.  I’m no maggot.

I’m just me again and my best friend is probably dead.

 

Whoever did that to him has to pay.

 

 

Mucho mucho pay.

So Bam!!!

The snakes pull up close and stop.

The pinecones lower the palanquin.

Whoooooosh!!!

Nothing happens.  I mean there is a Whoooosh!!!  It is so distinct and tangible it is as though it is written in a copy of Captain America.  None of us can tell where it came from or was heading to.

Even the bunnies with their big pokey ears are looking around like “Hey, I’m a bunny, where’d that Whoosh come from?”

Then I feel a tap tapping on my shoulder.

As I turn I see a backflip going down straight behind me.  All of my worshippers are looking crazy surprised and interested.  Their bunny noses are twitching so damned fast.

There in an aggressive fighting squat is the hottest chick I have ever seen.

I’m serious.  Ever.  She defies earthy hotness.  She is totally dressed like a ninja in weird little leafiness.   I immediately name her “Whisper of the Fallen Leaf.”  Seriously, check this.  Elf ears.  Big ones like Poison Elves or WoW, not those tiny ones from …

Okay that sounds weird right?  “Elf ears are hot”  Everybody got the “ninjas are hot” but…. Look at it this way.  Ears are so sensitive as to be an erogenous zones.  Big ears equate to huge erogenous zones, diggity?  No?  Okay well erogenous zones are what get you hot… so…. Elven chicks are super easy and fun to get off.  Am I really the only one who thinks like this?

Fuck you.  She’s super hot to me.  Ninja elf chick with the cleavage.  Nice cleavage.  Very workable.

She’s got a bandana across her mouth.  This is sexy and really scary at the same time.  Yes she has boobies, well muscled legs, beautiful hair that flows in the gentle breeze, and eyes so pure they could cut glass…. But I am in a fantasy land which keeps getting weirder.  She could have bug legs for a mouth.  Just a million of them all poking out.  Different kinds of bugs represented.  All wiggling when she talks.

So she is hot as shit but at the same time I don’t know If I’m so much attracted.  It is important that you understand this.

Then she speaks.  The voice that comes from that, probably all freaky buggy, mouth is reminiscent of a running stream.  She is blunt.

“You are a god?” she says.

“Yes.  I am!” I say and do a little twirl to prove it.

“Prove it and I will serve as your High Priestess.”

“but I did a twirl…” I think then frown.

It’s only been a few days so Flight hasn’t replenished.  Roget’s doesn’t really say “I’m a god”…. Shit, she’s totally been speaking English.  I do have that other  spell already prepared though.

“CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!”

I cast the third spell.   I reach up my sleeve and pull out a handkerchief.  “Oh no!” I look at her and the bunnies in shock. “It seems to be attached!!” And so I totally pull on it harder and ANOTHER handkerchief  is attached to it.  “OH TOMFOOLERY!!!”  I yell.  Then I whip them out one after another.  There are so many that I can’t hold them in my hands anymore.  I hand the bundle to her and keep pulling and pulling until it is really getting ridiculous.  The entire stage is consumed by these hankies.

Oh Shit!!!  But that amazing trick is not all I have going for me.  I whip out JCP and flip through the pages until I find a suitably awesome hat.  I order it up and pop it on.  I prance around then take the hat off.  I look stupid in hats.  They make me look like a fucking child.  The LAST place you want to look like a child is when you are trying to pick up a sexy ass High Priestess.

I hold the hat before me and do a silly kicking dance.  I then tap my fingers together one by one… and I REACH into the hat.

My hand goes in.  Then in goes my forearm.  Then my bicep until I am in the hat up to my shoulder and making this “I’m rooting around in there” face.  I even poke out my tongue.  I pull my hand out.  Wiggle it.  I look at it funny then reach back in.  I am looking very serious.  Then I have this giant “AHA!!” face.  I do this really well.  I went to school for acting.  One of my favorite classes was “Mimery and Tomfoolery.”  I got an A++ on my “AHA!!” face.

I slowly pull my arm out of the hat.  That hat has been totally still in space and place this entire time.  My right hand has been steady and true while my left has grasped and tomfooled.

Attached to the end of that hand, fingers entwining with fur, is a tiny white rabbit.  It doesn’t have those scary pink eyes.  Nope.  Regular old black ones that say “Give me tiny kisses.”  Its nose is twitching and it is chill.

Whisper of the Fallen Leaf is looking pretty impressed.  I smile and do a sexy little dance as I set the bunny on the ground.  Those giant bunnies are going to take good care of it.  They will raise it like a doll.

One by one I pull wooden pins from my inside jacket pocket.  Not the sticky kinds of pins.  Like the bowling ones.  You know.  En mass I light them on fire.

Oh shit.  One of my giant bunny worshippers just leaned over and gobbled up the adorably normal bunny.  Made a little “Woop” sound and didn’t even chew.

I

Begin

To Juggle

One up in the air.  Two up in the air.  Vague trails of smoke following the pins.  Three.  Four.  I stomp my left heel on the ground and all of my rabbit friends begin to chant the “Na Na” song.  Five in the air.  I am juggling the shit out of them.

Oh I run back and forth.

I do a little dance.

I throw them behind my back.  I juggle.  I juggle good and I juggle right.

Whisper Leaf bows before me.   “My pride is humbled at your godliness.  I will act as your willing servant and slave if you will have me.   I devote my life’s work to honoring you.  Let me your demigods burst from my loins.  Let me do bad assed ninja tricks for you.”

“Rise and approach” I say.  She walks forward. She is just the right height.

She reaches up and takes off her bandana.

No bug legs.  Perfect lips.  Sized right between Angelina Jolie and Jodie Foster.

I reach up and stroke her ear.

She quivers.

There is some kissing.  It’s not crazy inappropriate for kids watching, not even bunny kids but it is damned sexy.  A damned sexy kiss.

“My name is-“  She gasps.

I put my finger across her lips and say all sexy “shh.  Don’t ruin the moment.”

Then we did it.

This is the story of how I picked up the hottest chick ever with stage magic.  Well… a Stage Magic spell.  Still.  Stage Magic… Like a pro.

What happens next is we all settle down in the village together:  The rabbits, The pinecones, The hugeass snakes, Whisper Leaf, and me.

A tribe.  A community.  A tiny nation of family.

And we all lived happily ever after.

I’m chilling out.  I’m sitting in a big wooden throne.  I’m eating some tasty pineapple.  And I’m being worshipped.  Usual stuff.  Usual day.  You know.

 

I look at all the eye can see.  It is all mine.  All of it.  I am the king of this forest.  Not Mayor.  Not Queen.  Not Duke.

 

There are seriously six bunnies in  little sandals kneeling before me at this moment.  They are praying to ME in order to gain one ness with the universe.

 

That’s what I’m about now.   Just being a god.

 

The prayers I have taught them to hum to me are Flight of the Valkyries and that “Na na na na HAY!” song from the baseball games on television.  These are overlapping and blending together.

 

I have an amazing revelation.  It is a mind blowing epiphany.  I leap from my throne.  I raise my hands and yell “Stop!” then I say “We must do out with the old ways and in with the new.  This is the new prayer in order to get in touch with the oneness of my soul and earn my compassion!!”

I procede to teach them “Oh wee um, Wee oh um.”

They kneel and chant

I sit and bite into some sweet succulent pineapple.

Now my life is perfect.

 

Oh shit!!! OH FUCK NO!!!!

 

I have to HAVE to remember to teach them “Yub Yub Echatinoum”  motherfucking ewok celebration song later!!

 

I haven’t slept for four days.  WAY too much energy.

My teeth chatter every once in a while.  I catch it quick.  Just a little jitter in the molars.

I’m still smiling.

I’m smiling big and bright.

And the next plaintiff comes in.

He is a large rabbit person wearing a floppy straw hat.  He takes the hat off as he approaches and holds it in his freaky little rabbit hands.  He is flanked by my elite guards.  These guards have holes punched in their ears.  I told them this was a priviledged mark and that they would look badass.  They do.

 

The large rabbit person kneels in a voice both mumbley and boomy “Please your holiness.  I have but one request of you.”

 

“Please speak it” I say extremely theatrically.  My people expect a little performance with their godding.

 

“I wish to have the sex with my girlfriend’s younger sister but she stares at me with no lust.”

 

I talk fast.  I talk wild!! “This is what you shall do.  Convince her that you are a man of exquisite taste.  Explain to   her that that taste approves of her.  That you find her of immeasurable beauty… then, and only then should you respect her as an equal, never lie to her, listen to and really process everything she says.  And simply love her as she deserves to be loved… no better, no worse.  Then she will let you fuck the shit out of her and have one million babies.  Tiny rabbit babies with glued shut eyes.  Aww they won’t even have fur yet.  Unfortunately you are going to do this at a handicap.”

I wait for him to work up the nerve to say “What?”

He finally does and I chatter off “You are going to do it without THREE patches of fur.  For that is the punishment for wanting to tap your girlfriend’s younger sister.”

The guards slice three chunks out of his flesh and the fur that sticks to them.  Those chunks are small but they shall forever mark him in my disfavor.  “Oh maaaaaan!  The god don’t like you?!  Oh then you is trash” is the types of things bunnies now say.

He yells out for mercy as though they hadn’t already done the deed and says “But it is different.  It Is okay.  She is only a child”  He’s still all mumbley and boomy with his arms pinned back.  Mumbley is cool when you are just being all casual but it isn’t very good in a communication emergency or when you are trying to check into a hotel.

 

 

“Motherfucker please!” I say.  The rabbit people are always alarmed when I say “Fuck” I taught them this was a word of extreme displeasure only usable by the gods.  The crime for saying it is ten really hard lashes on the ears.  I can tell they really want to say it though.  Some probably do.  They sneak off into my woods by themselves and then whisper it.  I bet they feel so sneaky and cool.  And that is my gift to them.

 

“I hereby decree that you can’t even THINK about giving a kid the touching.  And sorry I didn’t mention it before but you totally still have to pay the price dude.  Probably right in your custom to… Really I don’t want to think about it.  But you did it.  And it is wrong.  So you have to be the example”  I look at my bad ass guards and say “Shackle him and have an old lady pluck out his fur one strand at a time.  Then drive a spike through his genetalia and hang him from it in the town square.  Oh and cut off his ears and shove them in his mouth.”  I look back down at the captive kneeling big mumbler and say “Yeah, sorry I know you probably didn’t know better, being a rabbit dude… but think of it this way:  Now you do and it is too late.”

 

I throw my head back and laugh as they drag him away.  I laugh and I laugh and I point at the poor little pedophile and scream “PAY!!! Bwahahaha!!! PAY!!!”

 

All of the bunny peeps cheer with their freaky little bunny hands and yodels through their bunny chew holes.  Then they stop.

 

I turn to see what they are looking at.

 

I have to stand up on my throne for it is on the other side.

 

There is a procession coming towards us, across the forest.  It is a pavilion escorted by Soccerball sized pinecones riding snakes.  Those snakes looked to be just about the right size to eat giant bunny people.

 

(LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!! OMG OMG!!!! I have no idea)

They grow closer and we all sit in silence.  Then I yell in bunnytalk “Everyone arm yourselves!!”  The bunnies come back extremely wicked looking.  They bristle with points and edges.  They have a lot of weapons.  That’s the best part of being at war.

 

Oh I totally patched things up between all of the fighting bunnies.  It was masterful diplomacy.  I was all “Dudes, I am a god and you can’t fight anymore because you are going to be too busy worshipping me.”

So that was that and now we stand all armed… well not me.  I’m just standing here staring over the back of the throne barehanded.  It wouldn’t look good to use a bunny weapon.  Just not a god kind of thing.  There are standards.

I flip through JCPenney and don’t find anything incredibly evil.  I am going to have to go about it bare handed… but I have a spell up my sleeve.