a cathartic expulsion of horrifically cute babble from a magnificently manicured mind

color me murder

Color Me Bad was playing at the Days Inn earlier. Hundreds of people crowded into that decaying lobby and they got a good value for their ticket price. Most of them came over here to stay, because we are a better hotel, so Days Inn’s investment didn’t really pay off.

All night Jenny has been waiting on these Color Me Bad hardcore fans all night. I keep thinking they are asleep in bed then one will pop in for a towel. They are the most motley assortment you could imagine. There is a one eyed man who speaks with a lisp, there is this set of little kids: triplets or twins who keep changing their clothes, there are three old ladies as different as night, day, and a totally different day. All sorts of odd creatures posing as human beings, all united in loving Color Me Bad and wanting to annoy the shit out of Jenny.

One dude with a beer gut and a warty nose just came in asking Jenny if we had an extra spittoon. She sent him away farting into the night.

One dude asked if we had coffee. He filled up enough cups to empty the pot and then patiently waited while she made some more.

One asked for one of those “things, with the bristles, that you use to scrape off your car.” Jenny said “It’s called a snowbrush” and handed him one. He must have travelled far to see this legendary band.

I sat here all night, just hoping none of them saw me in my little corner.

Then the cops walked in.

They walked straight up to Jenny and said “Do you have any Color Me Bad fans staying here?”

“I’m not sure we have anyone staying here BUT color me bad fans” she said with a polite smile.

“We are going to need to talk to all of them” said the cop.

Jenny looked at me for help. I shrugged as if to say “Yeah, call them all”

And so Jenny did, but she didn’t inform them of the cops. She said “There is $50 down here in the lobby. Did you drop it?”

It worked. There is nothing a Color Me Bad fans likes more than Fifty Bucks…. except Color Me Bad.

One by one they straggled down, hair in curlers, dentures out, nightgowns, pajamas, boxers and tighty whities… all in a rush to claim some free money.

Every one strutted in the lobby with their hand out. We’d point to the door, around which the cops were hiding. The cops were all “shhhhh.” So those pinnacles of fandom just stood around wishing our hotel provided bathrobes.

When they were all shepherded in, some drinking coffee, The cops said “Listen up. One hour ago we found a corpse in the Day’s Inn… right in the spot where the concert was. We know that to one of you this is not a surprise. And we are going to find out which one.”

They all stood there slack jawed. “Color Me Bad is the music of love and kindness for all people.. how could there have been a murder?” was the message reading in their eyes.

It was a while before anyone spoke. “Okay, start the torture” said cop 1.

Cop 2 pulled out a pair of pliers. He said “It’s torture time.” which i found very unprofessional.

It was only three screams in that Jenny stepped forward. “I did it” she said “I killed the person at the Color Me Bad concert.”

I know she couldn’t bear to see innocent people suffer. She was just that kind of sucker.

The cop’s said “What did the body look like?” in unison.

Jenny said “It was a fat old black lady missing her right arm.”

She looked so brave, so resolute.

Cop 1 said to Cop 2 “Close enough.”

They threw Jenny to the ground and kicked her a few times, slapped cuffs on her, and dragged her away.

She never said a peep. She just looked kind of sad.

Then she was gone forever.

So now i have to watch the desk, and i’m not ever sure i’m going to get overtime for it because it’s not authorized… but i don’t want to call Tina and wake her up. So, this is a stupid Saturday night and i just want to go home and see Jess.

As for the Color Me Bad fans? They all lived happily after.

One response

  1. Emily Dean

    Color Me Badd, huh? Random! Brings me back to their fair concert that Steph and I went to with her Dad, lol

    February 4, 2014 at 4:37 pm


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